I’m afraid of failing you.
Sometimes the message feels clear and concise like essential truth.
Sometimes it’s like the words flow and I’m just the vessel putting them onto the page.
Sometimes I hear my voice and I trust it’s what I want to say.
Sometimes I feel like celebrating after writing something amazing.
Sometimes I have so much to say that I can’t get everything out at once and it turns into a jumble-gobbley-gook.
Sometimes I have so many other voices talking at me in my mind and I can’t hear my voice through all of the noise.
Sometimes I feel so deeply that my words can’t convey the vastness that exists beyond language.
Sometimes I am so critical of myself that mid-sentence I censor myself and nothing is free to come out.
All of those experiences are true.
Sometimes they are true right now, and sometimes not.
Sometimes the truth sucks.
It’s totally aggravating to say, today I feel a bit lost.
“Again? Haven’t I been here before? When am I going to get it together, yo?!”
I’m resisting it.
I want it to go away.
I’d much rather express and to flow and to dance in the sunshine.
But, right now, that’s not what’s coming out.
I’m a terrible liar. So, here’s what is showing up.
I’m not sure what to say.
I’ve got a million “shoulds” running away with my words.
I’m afraid I will come across as false and it will put you off.
I’m afraid I won’t be able to convey the message fully and then you won’t care.
I’m afraid it won’t be useful, and I’ll be a fraud.
I’m afraid it will be amazing, but no one will see it.
And, at the heart of it all… I’m afraid of failing you.
I care so much about you that sometimes it hurts.
I want so much for you that sometimes I over-give.
I have so much I want to share with you that sometimes I’m paralyzed by it all.
The thing is… when I stopped resisting what is true right now…
The words flow.
I can hear my voice.
I know what to say.
And, it’s terrifying to send this to you, but I send it because I have to. Everything else was feeling forced and half-baked.
I don’t want to end with a pretty bow on it, saying, “and here’s my lesson for the day, here’s what I learned in the dark shadows, so we can talk about it in the sunshine.”
Because we’re taking a moment in the darkness. Breathing here and allowing for the messy, un-pretty parts to have their place. That is the lesson. Can we be and trust in the dark?
I do hope you know the truth is both the hardest and the easiest thing to see.
And, you’re not alone in getting tripped up by it.
No one has it all figured out all the time.