A letter about NYE pain that no one else will write

 

Yesterday, on New Years Eve, my heart was broken in a way I have never experienced before.

I gave all of me. I’ve never let anyone in so deeply before. I loved, purely, innocently. But, it wasn’t enough.

Most people write about pain only afterwards.
To give the full picture view of why something happened.
Because there is no resolve in the moment of pain.
And who would want to read a depressing letter where they are also left unresolved?

Today, I write to you with tears streaming down my face. My breath gasping.

Shattered. Shaking. In pain. Everywhere. In places I didn’t know I could feel such severe pain.

I don’t know why this is where I am. And, I can’t do anything about it.

Moments ago I screamed at the universe.
I screamed in anger. I screamed for help. Surrendering myself and begging for a sign.

Within a few minutes I received an email as part of Laura Roeder’s newsletter The Dash.

It was titled: “a good sign”.
It started: “Happy New Year Dashers! How fun is that you get to start off the first day of 2014 with your all time favorite newsletter? Seems like a good sign, no? ;)”

Laura sends her newsletters every Wednesday, so the good sign was because it fell on January 1st.

But, to me, it was more than that. While I am questioning everything and feeling like all of my trust has been betrayed, that simple title “a good sign” felt like a tiny glimmer that there is a reason for this pain.

I am surrounded by people wishing me a happy new years. Feeling so alone in my pain while everyone is celebrating.

They are enjoying spending time with the ones they love while I was dismembered by mine.

I had so many dreams for this year and right now they all feel so impossible. Everything feels impossible.

So, here I am. In spite of the impossible, I still have my fingers. I can still type words and write to you. Sending my own “good sign”.

I want to be clear, I am not writing for your pity or empathy.

I am writing you because no one else is. No one else is out there today saying – 2014 is actually horrible so far.

I am writing you so that if you feel like you are the black sheep in the room, with a secret pain that you are masking with a smile, you can know that you are not alone.

I have no resolve to give.

I don’t yet see the big picture of this moment.

I don’t have any answers.

All I can be, is here with you.

Honestly and open in my pain when no one else will.

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